JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
