i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it because I queefed?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
