He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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