24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
