Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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