Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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