he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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