I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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