Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
