This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
