i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
