why didn't you poke me back
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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