You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
