just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
