I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
