I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
