I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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