So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
