His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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