OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
how drunk are you?
Several
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
