I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We have started to decorate penises.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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