until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
