so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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