If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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