dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
