Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
