The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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