i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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