My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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