just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
