if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I touched a dick in church today
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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