I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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