Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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