I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
