I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
