so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
