Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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