I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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