U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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