i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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