her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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