Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
