i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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