I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
