so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
