i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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