Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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