There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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