Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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