Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
