some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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