I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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