I got chris browned last night
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
