I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
