I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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