I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
