Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
